Feet to move, places to roam
There are certain places I cannot go anymore, restaurants I cannot eat at, festivals I cannot attend, Instagram accounts I feel the need to unfollow and cities I cannot travel too without the thought of you coming to mind. Trust me, I would do it if I could but I can’t.
“I want to tell him now what no one has ever taught him, how two people who love each other behave, how they avoid damaging each other, but I am not sure how. Teach him the love of a good woman”.
I have not been broken up with if that is what you are thinking but you might as well call it that since it all hurts just the same. From writing posts on travel for a year now I thought I would change gears and add a more personal touch to website and explain why I have seemed to be an advocate for the single life. These past several weeks have reminded me why I encourage people to wander through life alone in their early 20’s.
Being involved in a relationship for the first few months of 2015 played a significant factor on why I make the decisions that I do today. I was the one who broke up with him because I missed my independence, my free time, I wanted a 21st year of life to feel refreshed and to do things without feeling guilty for my actions. This is what also what played a big influence on deciding to dip into the world of solo travel. I read about travel bloggers who didn’t kiss anyone or go on dates for years because it did not fit into their lifestyle. I thought it all sounded so wonderful. They traveled country to country and portrayed they had no strings attached in any of those places, oh what a life to live. So I did it, I broke up with my best friend of 2.5 years to pursue living and seeing the world alone and distraction free. I was convinced it was what I wanted so I stuck with it.
He never outright admitted to it but I was sure he hated me and would never forgive me for causing him severe pain that he would never live to forget (Or so he claims). We still spent time together after we split and it felt like nothing had changed until one day we hit a dead end in the summer of 2015. I cannot recall the date or time of when it happened but we somehow just stopped communicating. Talking every minute of the day slowly fell into the pattern of once and awhile when we thought it was time to check in with one another. We are both such jealous individuals that asking “What have you been up too?” really has the hidden meaning which translates “Are you seeing anyone?” Eventually people began to ask me on dates so I went on several of them and something did not click the way it did with him. They opened car doors for me (something he never did), came up to my door step when they arrived at my house to pick me up (something he was afraid to probably do), cooked me dinner (He brought me pumpkin pie in bed), they kissed me (but not the same way he did), they were persistent and wanted to devote Friday and Sunday nights together (something he always wanted) however, I did not want to commit to any of those guys the same way I was committed to spending time with myself. If I still wanted to be in a relationship, without hesitation I would choose to be with him every time.
Over the course of approximately 912 days we shared together I wrote him letters expressing how madly in love I was with him, while traveling I still made the effort to Facetime in the places I could receive WiFi, I shared all the highlights of my days with him because I wanted him to know what occurred from the minute I woke up to the time my head hit the pillow. In my dreams he would still appear even if I had just said goodbye to him in reality. I knew all his tickle spots and where he loved to be kissed, the items on the menu he would always flock too and the beer he would always order. I told him secrets that my friends did not always know, his arms were my favorite place to be and I nestled into them perfectly. He was the only person who I found was comparable to what home should feel like. He was not my everything although writing it all down I realize he was apart of me. Now I may not get him back. Or at least not anytime soon.
You would be surprised to know that the decisions I make are not always formed or made with sensible logic but just what I think is best in the moment. Sometimes you should live by that rule, other days you should think what will make you a better person in the future. In a relationship you want a person who will represent you well, right? One thing I can promise you though is that every decision you make in life someone out there will not agree with and you have to suck it up. You will not please everyone all the time. Perhaps the bracelet I got for him (make sure you investigate that left wrist) that he has worn for over 2 years that is hanging on by a thread is the last strand of hope I will hold onto it until he cuts it off, similar to the way he already has done with me. I waited up for him through a 15 hour time difference while it was his turn to explore the world. I would jump with excitement at the sound of my phone going off at 4 in the morning because that was my opportunity to say hello. Did she stay awake for you? Or was it her turn first and then mine to have the privilege to hear your voice? The questions I have without answers. He stuck with me through the first three years of my degree and decided by the fourth it was just too much to watch your girlfriend climb the latter of success while you are still figuring out what you want at the bottom (But I tried and will continue to encourage you to do what you love regardless of what it takes). I want and still wish for him to be driven and dedicated to something he is passionate about with me. To become the power couple I still form figures of in my mind, living in the city of his dreams that compliments my need for the sun and the snow he lives to shred on.
It was not as easy as batting my eyelashes for him to come crawling back. The sound of thunder roaring in the sky and rain tapping at windows reminds me of days we would lay wrapped in sheets and wait for the sky to clear. We were so content but your room does not welcome me the same way now. You do not want to convince someone to be with you, they should just know it is what they want. So when you say you want her but still kiss me, which one is the correct answer? I continue to be the secrets you carry on your back and the angel on your shoulder however I do not want to be either of those, just the person you spend the rest of your life adventuring with, sharing a large pizza in bed with, (Extra jalapenos though please) and someone you will always love without hesitation.
Until that time rolls around you will find me continuing to be a frequent visitor on airline websites, finishing my undergrad and spending time with the really good and genuine people who are currently present in my life.